I hear you making all that noise about the world you want to see.
One day, I know I’m gonna look back on this blog and think, “What the hell was I so bitter for?” but I’ll save that for when I’m 77. Today, though. It’s 2020. The start of a new year. A new decade even, and holy hell. It feels like a lot of pressure.
I think it’s always awesome to celebrate the start of new things. Brand new starts are the most refreshing thing in the world. Feeling like you can begin again, having a new opportunity, the chance to start over .. It’s an unmatched feeling. I love it, and the truth is that feeling doesn’t happen just once a year.
It took me a long time to understand, breathe, and live this but the reality is new starts happen every single day. Every day the sun sets and rises is your brand new start. Every semester you have miraculously got through, you start over again. Every work shift you have conquered, your next one gets just a little bit easier. Every day is brand new.
So why is it that we don’t celebrate every day? I think we should .. At least, internally, or for yourself. I think we should take the pressure off New Year’s Day. I think we should take the pressure off the new decade and call 2020 for what it is. It’s just another Wednesday.
A half-empty girl, don’t make me laugh, I’ll choke.
I love that people have been celebrating everything they’ve accomplished in the last ten years. Posts with the caption “At the start of the decade VS. at the end of decade,” showing how people have grown and changed and how much they’ve succeeded is beautiful. It inspired me. It made me feel really proud. The human will for resilience is stronger than most people think and I guess it takes ten years to look back and acknowledge it.
I have to be honest though. I’m still that person who makes comparisons, and the past few months of 2019 did get a little suffocating for me. I was even looking at the accomplishments of celebrities and millionaires which was in no way a fair comparison for myself, yet I still kept wondering, “What have I done in ten years?” and felt empty about it.
One thing I remember about New Year’s Eve last year is that the second it struck midnight, I was already anxious. I was worried and frustrated. In fact, I think this is our first New Year’s Day together so thank you for being here, but anyway, I wasn’t writing for myself last January. I didn’t know what to do or how to begin and it was shocking to me how everyone around me could welcome in the new year when I felt like there was really nothing to celebrate.
2019 has blessed me with plenty of beautiful people, memories, and opportunities and I couldn’t be more grateful for a year that let me sit back and try to figure myself out, but if you’ve been reading my posts, as you’ve known for the better part of this year, it’s hasn’t been the breeziest.
You know, I’m sick of writing about stuff like that.
Just let me cry a little bit longer. I ain’t gon’ smile if I don’t want to.
I’m not going to feel that pressure anymore. I just refuse. I’m going into this year low key. Not expecting anything. Working hard but not putting my hope into hopeless places. I refuse to feel the pressure. I just don’t care anymore.
This pressure of trying to achieve your absolute best life by twenty-five. No. What the fuck? Go at your own pace. This pressure of not being alone. What if I choose to? This pressure of trying to be better than everyone else. That never existed for me. I’m not taking any of that energy into this new decade with me. I can’t. I have literally just watched so much of my energy deplete and burn out, and I am tired of that . I don’t want to waste it anymore.
You say “We gotta look on the bright side.” I say “Well maybe if you wanna go blind.”
This pressure of always trying to stay happy. Doing that is hard work for me. I wish I was a naturally optimistic person, but I’m not. It doesn’t matter what medicine I take or how much therapy I go to, I have to work hard at it and that’s fine. I think I’m getting better at it every day, but I used to wish so badly that I was someone who could look at glasses half full. I wished I could look at life like that. I wish I was rose-colored, but I’m not, and that pressure of trying to stay happy all the time? That pressure of wishing I was someone else? It’s toxic. Leaving that behind in the last decade.
If I need to cry, I’m going to cry.
If I need to take off this New Year’s pressure, I will.
I’m just gonna feel. Ashton Irwin once said, “You are alive to feel.” I’m gonna do that.
Hey. Have a great year. Just have the year you’re gonna have. Low key. No pressure.
Rose-Colored Boy by Paramore 2017